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Projectile Feces

June 3, 2008

Well, I think I made a spectacle of myself today.  Truthfully, one could ALMOST consider what I did as “Pulling a Poolieas it is the kind of goofiness you would expect her to describe of her own day.

The day started innocently enough.  I dress Ipo in her harness and get her all excited to do her business and go for a walk while telling Cleo she needs to be patient and wait her turn as she can hold it longer so she goes second.  No, I do not take them out at the same time!  YOU try walking a 90 pound Dutch Shepherd who runs on high octane and pulls you like a german war tank while walking a 9 pound chihuahua who prances like a princess and stops at EVERY single blade of grass to snort it.  NOT an easy task!  The only time I take them both out together when Kels isn’t around is if load Ipo up in the bag.

Yes yes.  I have one of those frontal back pack thingies that is made specifically for carrying dogs.  It comes in handy in moments such as these!  And Ipo loves being in the bag as she can just sit and there and watch the sites while knowing full well each and every person that sees her is goo gooing at how adorable she looks.  I usually only do this in the afternoon and then I pop her in the bag, put Cleo on her leash, and we walk down into the wooded area where there is a huge grassy and treed area that I can let them both run wild off their leases for a bit.  To do it every time we go out is a bit of a hassle however so the morning potty times they have me all to themselves.

Ok.  So I tell Cleo we’ll be right back and Ipo and I head out to do her morning clam shake.  All is good!  It is sunny and beautiful out which is a great change from the past couple of days.  Ipo smells three hundred blades of grass, acts like she’s peed about ten times, (I swear she has to squat everywhere and after the third time there is nothing coming out any longer but she keeps attempting to mark her areas) and lock a precision run timepiece she poo poo’d and I of course scooped that up in a bag to responsibly dispose of it.

We head our way back to the front of the building and are just near the entrance when Ipo decides she just HAS to smell a few more blades of grass and mark two more places with her no longer available marking juices.  A car pulls into the driveway in front of the door and stops approximately five feet away from me.  The dude was just sitting there, most likely waiting for someone to come out of the building.  He’s dressed in a suit and in a swanky car that is pumping out some good tunes and most likely cool conditioned air as all of the windows were up.

And then it happens.

It was released from hell and sent on its way with a mission of seriously pissing me off and irritating the shit out of me.

Yes, you guessed it.

A damned fricking MONGO HUGE bee.

This sucker just comes out of nowhere as I’m trying to coax Ipo to hurry up and come with me and starts, for lack of a better word, beelining for my nose, my ears, my mouth, my eyeballs-you name it.  It was freaking relentless!!  And I admit it.  I am a TOTAL spazz ass when it comes to bees.  I am not allergic to them, but you’d swear I was with the panic and flailing I do when one of these monsters comes near me.  USUALLY you can just swat your arms a bit and brush it away from you and it goes away.  Not this one.  I tried a few nonchalant swats.  No luck.  It just buzzed in my face even more.

I started ducking.  I was flailing my one free hand to try and swat it.  No luck.  Now mind you, keep in mind my left hand is attached to Ipo’s leash which is one of those plastic handy-dandy things that the little leash coils and recoils inside of it as your dog walks.  And in case you forgot in my other hand was Ipo’s bag of poop.

So there I stand in front of this hoity toity dudes car in my shorts, t-shirt (without the bra mind you, but don’t tell Kel’s that!  I was lazy ok!) and my flip flops.  This damn bee from hell gets more aggressive and more persistent and I was convinced he wanted to fly into my ear canal and buzz thru the chambers inside my head.  I just KNEW it!  So I flailed.  I swatted.  I waved BOTH arms up and down and ducked down and sideways and shimmied around in a circle trying everything I could to get this flying demon away from me.  No luck.

Finally, as I was whole heartedly convinced this vile beast was going to sting my eyeballs before making a trek through my ear canal, I found I couldn’t squirm any longer and I went into full fledged panic mode!  Last year I got stung by a bee just standing somewhere and that little prick stung me about 3 inches from my arm pit.  That hurt like a sunofabeyotch!  Guess he freaked out when I moved my arm after he flew in under my short sleeves.  Well excuse me Mr. Bee Freak!  So sorry I wore clothes that day!!

I did NOT want to get stung again and I’d had enough of this prancing around.  And, as I said, I went in to panic mode.  I threw my hands in the air, let go of Ipo’s leash thingie and the thing recoiled so damn fast and snapped poor Ipo right in the arse.  At the same time, I let the bag of poop go flying.  I ripped my baseball cap off my head and started flailing, swatting and running like a little girl across the driveway.  I REALLY looked like an idiot.  I’m sure of it.

Finally the beast from hell left me alone and I went to grab Ipo’s leash and her poop.  Flying poop bag just missed the hood of Hoity Toity dude’s car.  I bent over at the hood of his car to pick it up and tried to look at him to give him some sort of visual message like “gee I’m sorry” or something but he was just glaring at me with a cell phone attached to his ear.  I tried to make a joke of it.  I wished he’d put his window down so I could explain what was happening as I realized that HE probably could not even SEE the big killer gargantuan bee.  All he could see was ME flailing and flapping my arms and tossing a bag of poop in the air before flinting and prancing across the driveway.

Oh well.  Perhaps he was on the phone with the nutso hospital to come and commit me who knows?  I know I looked like a freak.  One woman who was out there and witnessed the display walked in with me to the building.  She just said to me, “My my, you looked like you were having fun!”  Excuse me???  I was being ATTACKED!  Accosted really, by a huge killer bee that wanted to fly in my ear canal and make mushy mushy in my brain!!

Of course I didn’t say that.  I lied.  I made up an excuse to try and explain away why I was being such a woosey ass with a bee.  I told her, “Oh, I am so allergic to bee stings and there was one that just would not let me alone.  I panicked because I realized I don’t have my ‘epi’ pen in the apartment.”  Something like that anyway.  Oh and then the guilt!  She felt so bad for me.  She even said something to the effect of understanding why I was acting so “strangely hyper and bizarre.”  Ahem.  Strangely hyper and bizarre????

Well shit.  I think it is perfectly normal for a person to prance and throw dog poop in the air in front of high traffic area when being attacked by a killer bee on a mission to enter ones body.  Don’t you??

Perhaps not.  Perhaps I totally overreacted.  Perhaps the entire display was just me Pulling a Poolie?  Hmph!

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9 comments

  1. Poor Poolie!! Her reputation is taking on a life of its own!

    It’s Liz, from little pink house, by the way. In case you didn’t know…


  2. HAHAHAHA that’s so funny!! Poor Shippie, though, getting attacked by a killer bee! Hopefully your future dog walks will be less traumatic.


  3. Dang, that bee was persistent! He must’ve thought you were a flower 😉


  4. You are making me SO proud of you! Love, the Originator of “Pulling a Poolie”


  5. I used to work with a girl like you

    Reacted to bees JUST like you do.

    Her name was Heidi.

    She’s buried in the frozen Tundra.
    (aka, Alaska’s equivalent of the desert)


  6. PS….there’s a little something for you over on my blog from yesterday!


  7. me things the killer bee was attracted to ipo poo!!!


  8. This almost seems like you made it up, it’s so unbelievable…. like something from a movie or off the tv!


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