Flying DNA

June 17, 2008

I have horrifically dry feet. I so hate them. You know that feeling of moving your feet under the sheets, feeling the silky soft cotton dance across your soles and toes? Not me. I move my feet and the little fibres of cotton snag on the dry callouses that plague my walking devices and stop and feeling of pleasure immediately.

I walk across the carpet at times and those dry hunks of sandpaper skinned feet. It feels so utterly gross! And now that it’s summertime it only gets worse as I like my feet to breathe and feel free in my less than confining flip-flops. At least I’ve been told wearing these types of shoes makes callouses and dry, thick, cracking skin multiply like bunnies at an orgy.

Some have suggested a pedicure would help. Eeks. I’ve heard horror stories from people who have gone to these salons with their recycled, cootie ladened soaking water and butcher Estheticians. No thank you. Kel swears her foot problems never were a problem until after she went and had a butcher job on her feet nice and relaxing pedicure.

Besides that, have you seen what they charge for those things? Pffft. I’ll pass thank you. I will take my own clean soapy water and soak my hoofs, use my own pumice stone and grunt while I scrape away the aliens attached to my feet. No it isn’t always easy but I manage! And hey, if I want my toenails to have colour than I can do that myself too. Who cares if the polish lands not only on my toenails but the skin around those nails too? It just makes them that much more colourful and purty, right? I can do all that and save myself a few buckaroonies.

Alas. The pumice stone doesn’t work anymore. I try to do it while in the shower and I get so damn frustrated. I nearly work up a sweat rubbing that thing back and forth, back and forth. Not to mention there have been a few times I’ve lost my balance and nearly ended up on my fat ass with my feet over my head.

So I have given up. I haven’t touched those tootsies in months. Kels knows to keep herself away from my feet at night and I try my darndest to just let them hang off of my side of the bed, lest I find her in the morning with gashes on her legs and blood gushing in the bed sheets.

HOWEVER. Any of you who may share my plight, stay tuned. Yet another household item has been found to EASILY rid your far from attractive walking bricks! It is easy…..relaxing….and you won’t work up a sweat! Some of you may be thinking I’m going to say use Preparation H on your feet due to my previous entry. NOT! Seriously folks, don’t be so silly! Preparation H is only good for eye wrinkles, mosquito bites, supposedly acne, and of course the ever so loved hemmie. No, it’s something different my dear ones. You too can have your very own personal Esthetician. You can name it, (I call mine Sandy) and put her away in the closet when you’re done with it. And I don’t have to pay my Sandy either! Here is a picture of Sandy, and you too can have her!

Yes indeed! I was working on piece of artwork that involved wood cutting a piece of plywood for the a/c mount, and wondered if I had a different tool to ease my efforts. I stumbled upon this hot little beauty of mine and went AHA! I looked above my head and even saw that little light bulb turn on when this revelation came to me. Now, the nasty mean foot people have little hand-held sanders right? I know some people who go to Podiatrists and have their hard to cut toenails sanded down. So why couldn’t I use this? Huh? Why not? Well guess what folks? It was awesome!

I took it out on the balcony, sat in me chair, gave a Kels a glance through the door saying ‘trust me’ with my eyes, and fired that baby up! Now, it is a hand-held size so it was very light and easy to use. And oh my god, it looked like snow flurries had hit our side of the building! All that thick, dry and hard dead skin just started wafting away in teeny tiny little dust particles. It was a snow storm of my DNA on our balcony! Quite the show. I hope there isn’t a crime committed any time soon around me, because the wind carried bits of my DNA all over the place today!

And guess who sat in my chair before it even had a chance to cool off but Kels herself. She was so impressed with the fact that she could actually touch my feet now without cringing or drawing blood that she had to try it for herself. I made a dash for the lotion while she sanded hers down, and my feet just drank that stuff up! Usually given how dry they were the lotion would just sit there with no chance in hell of being soaked into the skin. Now? I put two big helpings of that creamy, quenching juice of the gods on each foot!!

Life is good. I want to walk barefoot somewhere to show off my new feets! I want to jump in the sheets and run my feet over all parts of the bed. Oh it’s the small things in life eh? Go get yourself a little hand-held sander and give yourself a relaxing pedicure! You’ll LOVE it! And if you have those sanding projects laying around just waiting to be tackled you’ll have the perfect tool for that too!



  1. Well, I WAS going to recommend two products to you, but it appears you have your problem licked! I get dry cracked feet too, and when I went to get a pedicure the esthetician told me about CallusRx. I get it at Sally Beauty Supply, and if you put it on, then let it sit for a minute, then use your pumice stone, it works great! After that, use the Miracle Foot Repair stuff, which does work wonders.

    Or, you can just sand them little puppies down whenever they get outta hand!

  2. heya!! yew beat me to it!! i was gonna recommend sandy, but i see yew already done it!! wheeeee!!! use aaveno lotion for dry skin!!

  3. For those that are a bit scared to use power tools on their feet, I HIGHLY recommend the Ped Egg. Kurt’s got worse feet than you, Shippie, and we got him the Ped Egg. His feet are SO BEAUTIFUL now. It’s like a box grater for your feet, so it’s pretty sharp. But it doesn’t hurt! As long as Kurt attacks his feet every week or so, his feet are almost as soft as mine. It’s amazing.

    *I* get a pedicure for the leg and foot massage. It is the most relaxing thing, and it’s totally worth it to me. I go to a place that uses disinfectant in between each client (I’ve seen them clean out the whirlpools before they fill with clean water, plus there is more disinfectant IN the water), and they autoclave their tools. So I’m pretty confident with that particular place. I can’t vouch for any others.

  4. This was a pretty graphic entry….as in T.M.I.! Just sayin’………..

    Sounds like your feet are just a frog’s hair worse than mine. It’s a constant battle and a pain in the ass! I never thought to check out Hubby’s tool box for a solution, tho’. Might have to do that!

  5. I don’t think I could do the sandy version but definitely have a history with the Feet Of Doom. I have callus issues with my calluses. I will be checking out some of the other stuff folks mentioned though!

  6. seems like today’s theme is “Feet”; this is the second blog that mentioned them. Interesting. 🙂

    I don’t know how far you live from a beachy area (I know you’re in Canada) but if you get a chance to walk barefoot on a beach, that’s a very nice way to give yourself a natural pedicure. (so-to-speak) It’s as though the shoreline is a natural pumice stone. Works well plus you get the relaxing benefit of looking out over the water. Just a thought!

  7. Be careful with that sander. That’s how hubby started out. Just kidding.

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