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Mom will kill me

November 23, 2008

My mother is going to be so upset with this entry, I just know it.  I can almost hear the phone ringing in the distance.  At the risk of upsetting this wonderful woman, I just have to write this however.

Neil Diamond has some really whacked song lyrics!  Ok, now don’t get me wrong.  I love the guy.  (If you grew up in my household as a kid you learned to appreciate Neil’s songs on many, many occasions. )  I mean really, the guy is incredibly talented.  He’s got a ‘woo woo’ voice.  He’s gorgeous, especially for his age.  He’s got eyes that could melt even this die-hard lesbo.  However…..his lyrics….really are quite whacked!

Kels and I were coming home tonight from watching a couple of hockey games at the in-laws.  While watching the hockey games, Kel, Mom-in-law and I soaked our feet and did paraffin dips to the footsies and the hands while Pop-in-law pretended his hockey watching wasn’t being feminized while he lay on the couch.  It was a good time, and my hands are oh so silky soft!

On the ride home, we started singing.  We do this often, and I should add that it is without the radio.  One of us will start singing a song, and then we’ll make up wacky goofy words to change the meaning altogether.  It is actually quite entertaining and usually ends up with one of us spewing coffee or at the very least, snorting like a horse.

Out of the blue, I start singing some Neil Diamond.  Not hard to do, as I think I have all of his records programmed in the depths of my grey matter.  We weren’t changing the words on this one, but rather tested our memory for all of the lyrics.    We got to the ‘fire’ verse and something went really wrong.  Clearly we did not remember the lyrics, as what came out of our mouths was obnoxious and ridiculous.  Oddly enough, the same thing came out of both our mouths at the same time….but we knew it wasn’t right.  I can’t even tell you what came out as I can’t remember anymore, especially since I have now looked up the lyrics on line.

This song really makes me wonder!!  I mean…Money talks.  But it don’t sing and dance and it can’t walk” Ok….ummm…..that’s good to know.  I think.  Yeah, I wasn’t sure if it did those things or not.  And what relation does that verse have to the following  ” As long as I can have you here with me.  I’d much rather be forever in blue jeans.” What??!!

I mean, I have song along with this songs for years, and just never really thought about all of this.  What the hell is he talking about??  And what is this business with being in jeans forever if you are here with Neil?  Does this mean that if you couldn’t be here with Neil, he’d rather be in wool slacks?  Cotton trousers?  Does this mean Neil can’t wear blue jeans unless you are there with him??

“Honey is sweet.  But it ain’t nothing next to baby’s treat.  And if you’ll pardon me.  I’d like to say we’d do ok forever in blue jeans.” Ummm…ok.  Just what is this baby’s treat you like Neil?  Oh my brain goes WILD on the possibilities with this one!  And then he says WE’D do ok forever in blue jeans.  So now this woman has to agree to be forever in blue jeans too, and give up the wool slack and cotton cargo pants?  That’s asking a lot isn’t it?

Which brings me to my biggest question.  There is talk of a fire, and Neil’s beating heart and this womans sighs.  So it’s clearly meant to be a lovey come-on sexy song right?  But hello?  Just HOW sexy can one get while being in jeans FOREVER?  Is this really a song about safe sex?  Is this a song about abstinence from sex?  It has to be, because how can you have sex while you are both in your blue jeans forever?!  I mean really!

So that’s where my brain is.  It’s late.  I’m thinking goofy.  And mom I am sorry.  I’m not trying to rip apart Neil.  He’s the best, and I know you love him.  But good god mom, I hope for his sake this song never became a truth in his life.  He’s a sexy dude and I’d hate to think he hasn’t had sex yet because of those damn jeans not coming off.

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14 comments

  1. “…you hardly talk to me anymore, when I Kung Fu the door at the end of the day…” Love, R xxx


  2. Oooh! Oooh! How about “Stack up the babies and crabby old ladies…” x


  3. I get the whole “I’d rather be poor and only be able to afford blue jeans instead and be with you..than to be rich, wear a tuxcedo everyday and be without you” kinda thing, but what’s with men and blue jeans anyways??? Hubby practically LIVES in his and has some that are now almost old enough to vote. I just don’t get it. Give me comfy, pull on, stretch with my every move pants any day.


  4. So funny! Thanks for the great laugh. This entry had me giggling from the beginning and laughing out loud by the end!


  5. After I read the first two lines of this, I had to put down my coffee so it didn’t end up on my computer screen. LOL!!


  6. You brat. How dare you say anything bad about my boyfriend. Nothing beats the I am I said to no one there not even the chair. Figure out what that means.


  7. HAHAHAHA Oh Shippie… you are TOO FUNNY!!


  8. I LOVE my Levi’s, but I’d rather be forever (24/7) in PAJAMAS!


  9. Shut up! I am busy trying to talk to the chair! I know it can hear me! Fookin’ chair is only PRETENDING it can’t hear me. I don’t even OWN any blue jeans. Guess that cooks any chance I ever had with Neil. Maybe he should write a song about cotton twill slacks…..OR…..Capri pants.

    I like picnics……with rain and ants…..
    But I just wanna say…..
    The food’s okay…..
    I love your Capri pants….

    I know it needs work but, SHEESH! I’m trying here!


  10. Oh no!

    Here’s a better one…

    I like picnics…with rain and ants….
    But I just wanna say….
    The food’s okay….
    When we wear our short pants….

    YESSSSS! I am SUCH a songwriter!


  11. How funny – I really gotta write some new stuff for the Neilster. He’s gotta go with forever in tee shirts or SOMETHING!


  12. *rotfl* I’m not a Neil Diamond fan. I tried so hard to get into him, but I just could not. So I loved your entry. It made me think of Mad Libs ha ha.


  13. That was hilarious, except now I have ‘Song Sung Blue’ in my head. One of the Top 10 Most Obnoxious Earworms of All Time! And I adore Neil Diamond too. But jeeze! “Song sung blue weepin’ like a willow…” for the next 3 days until I can dislodge it…GAH! ~LA


  14. I always thought I understood his songs but now…..???

    I see where you get your talent for rewriting the lyrics…..with an aunt like Poolie…..

    Poolie and I wrote a couple of lyrics that will live for eternity in Tombstone….can’t remember all the words but “direction” and “bigger” were key.!!!



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